densy

Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people just don’t kill their husbands!”  It’s one of my favorite movie quotes and, quite frankly, one of the few I can remember.  It never really stuck with me until I realized just how true it is!  I have been taking care of sick kids (and my sick self) for the past 2 1/2 weeks.  I have not exercised, I have eaten only what sounds good (primarily salty things as the sweet stuff makes us all cough), and was feeling VERY down on myself because of everything.  This morning I took the time to do 30 minutes of Pilates which, granted, is not terribly strenuous but was the only thing that I knew I could do successfully today.  I am amazed at how much better I feel both physically and emotionally.  While the physical part may be due to the medications I’m on right now, I think the emotional well-being is totally due to the exercise.  I was ready to curl up in a ball & cry earlier this morning, and had it not been for the consequences (runny nose, more coughing) I probably would’ve done just that.  I am now ready to tackle this cold.  I am ready to continue on the right track.  I am ready to do whatever it takes to feel better, even if that means putting off cleaning the house for yet another day and spending another day playing puzzles with my kids and reading books and magazines for myself.  I think it’s hard for me as the mom to understand that I have to consciously take care of myself as well.  I make a point to do things specifically to help my kids feel better, but I put myself on the back burner.  Not today!  I am going to pamper myself as best I can while taking care of the others.  My health and well-being is a priority too.  Woo hoo!  Bring on the day! 

I really hope that this week is better than the last two have been!  I want my kiddos to feel better.  I want to feel better.  I want to be able to get back to exercising before I completely lose the memory of how good it feels to finish a difficult workout.  I want to stop retaining every drop of water that I’m drinking (who knew I’d gain 6 pounds of water weight just due to a cold?!) soon!  This is the beginning of a new week, and I intend for it to be better! 

I hate being sick.  More than that, I hate having sick kids.  Unlucky for me, we’re all sick right now.  It’s just a cold/flu thing, but I need comfort food - the healthy kind, but sinfully good.   Any suggestions?  I’ve been drinking oodles and oodles of water and peppermint tea, but I’m getting hungry and nothing sounds good.  Oh, if only I had someone around to cook for me!  Sometimes being the mom has its disadvantages!  :)  I want so badly to be able to exercise but know that’s not happening until I’m better.  On the plus side, the loss of appetite has resulted in the breakthrough of my plateau!  Woo hoo!  I’m not sure it was worth it, though.  I’d rather have just eaten less and exercised more… 

Okay, so I’ll write the good news first.  One year ago yesterday I weighed in at 212.5, my first weigh-in of my journey.  I had been improving my eating/exercising habits for a couple weeks prior to that, but that was my first weigh-in.  This morning I weighed in at 152 which thrills me beyond words.  I want so badly to be proud and celebrate somehow, but life just isn’t allowing it right now.  I have had sick kids for the past week with no end in sight yet.  And now, to make matters worse, I’m feeling crummy too.   Couldn’t life just be easy for a little while?  Would that be too much to ask?  I’m sorry to be such a downer.  I just need a shoulder to cry on today… 

Thank goodness for Mondays!  I’m finally back to the routine after the weekend.  We took an overnight trip this weekend which resulted in me eating an amazing piece of cheesecake over the course of two days.  I don’t regret it, as I ate sensibly the rest of the weekend and walked quite a bit while shopping.  I think my body is holding me responsible for eating it, though, as I seem to have pulled a muscle in my butt - yes, my butt - while exercising this morning.  So the cheesecake has literally kicked my butt.  Thanks to some leftover pain meds from a shoulder sprain, I am surviving.  I don’t think there will be any squats or lunges around here for a couple days, though.  Oh well…it was great cheesecake, but I’m not sure it was worth the pain.  Then again, maybe it was! 

This is probably going to come out sounding sort of whiny, but I’m prepared for that.  Here’s the thing:  when am I going to matter?  I have devoted the last several years to my husband and my kids, and for that I’m not at all sorry.  But while I’m thinking about them and considering their feelings (this primarily applies to my husband), who’s thinking about me?   My kiddos are so loving and caring, so I’m doing something right!  Strangely (or maybe as usual), when faced with a decision that will affect the whole family I immediately consider how it will affect my husband.  And, as usual again, he immediately considers how it will affect him as well.  I really don’t enter into his thought process unless I press the issue.  I realize that I’ve created this monster myself as I have allowed him (and others, to some degree) to overlook me and my feelings.  I have allowed others to treat me with less care and respect than I deserve because I didn’t feel worthy as “the fat girl.”  It’s just another part of dealing with the emotional baggage of being overweight for such a long time.  Now, all of a sudden, I have a little more confidence and want someone to be caring and compassionate to me, and he rather enjoys the status quo.  It’s so much easier, after all, to just overlook me and let me deal with my feelings alone.  I’ve always (well, not always, just when I knew I was better off) kept my feelings to myself as I knew I wouldn’t have a soft place to fall.  Sometimes it’s just easier to get over things myself than to get the silent treatment for having feelings or opinions different than his.  He takes care of us, don’t get me wrong.  I’m just finding that I love myself enough to require more emotional support.  I’m not the fat girl anymore.  I deserve to have someone care about me.  I deserve more.

I never knew how much exercise would affect my emotional well-being!  I always hated it, despised the sweating (even though I knew I was burning fat), and wouldn’t put all of my effort into it.  I’m not sure if I really hated the exercise itself or if I really hated myself because I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t do it.  It was probably some of both.  Last year when I began this journey I decided to create a “habit” of exercising, doing it for 30 minutes every day for 40+ days (to varying degrees of intensity).  I had read that it takes 21 days to create a habit, so I decided to take it there and beyond.  There were those who thought I’d burn myself out by doing it daily for that long, but I actually just lit the fire!  After that period of time I realized that if I took more than a day off I missed the activity.  That was what I needed.  Granted, I’m not doing it each and every day now, but when I don’t exercise, I honestly miss it.  I miss the confidence boost I get when I can accomplish a particularly difficlt workout and I miss the energy burst I have for hours after working out.  One of my favorite movie quotes is from Legally Blonde, and it really sticks with me: “Exercising gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy.  Happy people just don’t kill their husbands!”  Funny as it is, I really think it’s true.  I deal with stress so much better than before.  Before, I ate to deal with it, now I work out.   It’s just amazing to me how exercising can have such a great effect on my body and spirit! 

Happy Monday!  I’m probably not the norm, but I LOVE Mondays.  We get back to normal after the weekend and I accomplish so much more on Mondays!  I got a couple new workout DVDs this weekend and was excited to try one this morning.  It’s such a change to actually look forward to exercising.  I always despised exercising, but now I see just how much it helps my energy, confidence and all around well-being. 

 Anyway, this weekend I went shopping with a friend and had a fantastic time!  I really wasn’t shopping for anything (and didn’t buy anything) but I wanted to try on dresses for the first time since I’ve lost weight.   It was so much fun!  A year and a half ago I dreaded shopping for clothes, especially when I needed a dress.  I always felt like I had to settle for whatever fit whether I really liked it or not.  And let’s face it, at the size I was I didn’t really like the way anything looked on me.  It was such a morale booster Saturday to try on several dresses that fit and were truly flattering.  I had one in particular that was short and fitted and absolutely beautiful.  Too bad I didn’t have an excuse to buy it!  I think the experience gave me a new outlook though, and that is what’s most important.  I am able to shop now and be choosy.  I don’t have to settle for something I don’t like just because it fits.  I don’t have to settle for anything.  It gave me the boost I needed to increase my energy to break through this plateau.  I think there will be a scale change by the end of the week! 

I’ve thought for awhile that while my physical weight seems to come off relatively easily (you know, with the basic eat-right/exercise often activities) it seems to take a little more time for the emotional “weight” to come off.  While I’m no longer physically the fat girl that I always felt I was, I still feel like the fat girl emotionally.  I think that’s probably my biggest struggle because I don’t have a way to see results like I do with my physical weight.  I can step on the scale and know when another pound has melted, but there’s just no way I can visualize my results in the emotional arena.  I still feel like I’m being judged or overlooked because I still feel like the fat girl.  In the past few years I have had some issues (to put it calmly and mildly) with a few of my husband’s family members.  To make a long story very short, they made quite a few judgments about me and felt compelled to tell my husband (and everyone else) about all of my shortcomings, real or imagined.  Now, I know I have shortcomings and I’ll be the first to admit them, but they went so far as complaining that I’m too close to my family and questioning the decisions that we have made regarding raising our children.  I’ve never gotten over that hurt, and the thing is, I’m angry with myself for not standing up and saying “it’s not okay!”  At Christmas this year I thought (I should have known, and that’s why it neither surprises me nor gets to me) that maybe they’d mention my weight loss - they didn’t.  Hopefully they see that the fat girl of years past is now the girl who will not be treated with such hatefulness and disrespect.  I owe it to myself to stand up for myself.  I owe it to my daughters to stand up for myself.  I owe it to myself to forgive myself for not having the confidence to stand up for myself the first few times it happened.  That’s what I’m working on - forgiving myself.   It’s just another step in the journey…

So I’ve been on this journey for a year now and it’s time to look back on a few things just to see how far I’ve come.  I think the first thing I became aware of was how much I ate because I was bored, lonely, stressed-out, etc.  Now when I’m under stress I don’t feel like eating, which is totally different and so much better for me.  Last year at this time I hated exercising.  I totally despised it!  It probably had something to do with the fact that I was fat and out of shape and I couldn’t handle it without pain, heavy-breathing, and a lot of sweat.  Now, however, I enjoy it.  I know that when I exercise I really do feel better.  I feel more confident, more energetic, and better all around.  It’s empowering to see muscles!  It makes me work harder.  I’ve lost 58 pounds so far and am working through a plateau.  I think the plateaus occur so I can address the brain side of the body problem.  What I mean is when I’ve hit a plateau, I am forced to remain positive.  I am forced to look at my successes for a little bit and stick with the eating right and exercising even if I’m not seeing results as quickly as I’d like.  It also makes me realize that my whole being needs attention both physically and emotionally.  It gives me a taste of what maintenance is going to be like.  This is a change that I’m making for life, not just a diet.  I want to set a good example for my children, my family and my friends.  I owe it to myself and also to them to be the best that I can be.