densy

This is probably going to come out sounding sort of whiny, but I’m prepared for that.  Here’s the thing:  when am I going to matter?  I have devoted the last several years to my husband and my kids, and for that I’m not at all sorry.  But while I’m thinking about them and considering their feelings (this primarily applies to my husband), who’s thinking about me?   My kiddos are so loving and caring, so I’m doing something right!  Strangely (or maybe as usual), when faced with a decision that will affect the whole family I immediately consider how it will affect my husband.  And, as usual again, he immediately considers how it will affect him as well.  I really don’t enter into his thought process unless I press the issue.  I realize that I’ve created this monster myself as I have allowed him (and others, to some degree) to overlook me and my feelings.  I have allowed others to treat me with less care and respect than I deserve because I didn’t feel worthy as “the fat girl.”  It’s just another part of dealing with the emotional baggage of being overweight for such a long time.  Now, all of a sudden, I have a little more confidence and want someone to be caring and compassionate to me, and he rather enjoys the status quo.  It’s so much easier, after all, to just overlook me and let me deal with my feelings alone.  I’ve always (well, not always, just when I knew I was better off) kept my feelings to myself as I knew I wouldn’t have a soft place to fall.  Sometimes it’s just easier to get over things myself than to get the silent treatment for having feelings or opinions different than his.  He takes care of us, don’t get me wrong.  I’m just finding that I love myself enough to require more emotional support.  I’m not the fat girl anymore.  I deserve to have someone care about me.  I deserve more.