densy

Happy Monday!  I found a new favorite snack this weekend and I wanted to share!  I bought Fiber One Caramel Delight cereal with the idea that I would have it in place of my All Bran Bran Buds once in awhile.  I’ve been trying to increase the fiber in my diet and this was just another attempt at accomplishing that.  Well, let me tell you, this new cereal is going to become my mid-afternoon snack!  In fact, I ended up eating it dry this morning in place of my regular cereal breakfast.  It satisfied my sweet tooth, gave me 9 grams of fiber and filled me up!  That, in my books, makes it a great snack for me!  My other new love, although not food related, is yoga.  I bought a beginner’s workout that is 51 minutes long that does amazing things for this stressed-out mom.  I have a Denise Austin yoga video, but I’ve always sort of despised it.  Maybe it’s that I just have a hard time tolerating her perkiness, and she tends to move on to a new move before she tells me about it, which I hate!  Anyway, the new DVD is fantastic!  I have been alternating days of yoga and my Kathy Smith interval training DVD and am feeling strong.  I will break through this plateau!  I will, I will!  I want to be able to wear a swimsuit this summer and not cover it up with a big t-shirt! 

I should start by saying I don’t handle stress well.  Also, I tend to stress over EVERYTHING and beat myself up for things I have no control over.  I’ve always been hard on myself, but I often hold myself responsible for things that I’m really not responsible for.  It’s a long story…  My girls were born 7 weeks early and by all rights should have been relatively healthy.  Two of them, however had a lot of health problems and that has left a lasting scar on me.  They were so sick for so long, and I have always wanted to do everything possible to keep them healthy, so anytime anybody gets even a cold I go into panic mode.  I know, colds happen.  I honestly believe there’s some degree of post-traumatic stress after having 3 kids in the hospital for 1-4 months and struggling with many “what if she doesn’t make it?” thoughts during that time.  To make a long story short, we’re (so far only one, but that will change soon) sick again and I’m not ready to handle it.  I’m finally just getting back to normal after the last sickness.  I’m a chronic worrier.  I hate it when they’re all sick because I don’t feel like I can take care of everybody to the degree they need.  This even sounds ridiculous to me as I read it, but it’s the way I feel.  I just want to cry.  That, and I’m going between wanting to eat to feel better and wanting to avoid food altogether due to stress and I know neither is the answer.   Maybe this is just God’s way of showing me that I can handle the whole emotional eating thing even when I’m stressed out.  I have to handle it.  I can handle it, right?

I have struggled for the last month.  Three weeks of being sick and then the last week of PMS has been rough, but I am back and ready to fight!  It’s not so much about the weight I want to lose at this point.  I want to be toned.  I want to be strong, both physically and emotionally.  I’m sure that for me it’s going to be a life-long struggle to remain that way, but I’m up for it now.  I really believe that the majority of my weight issues have revolved more around my brain than my mouth.  I won’t have trouble conquering the weight when I conquer all the emotional/mental issues that “make” me eat.  Anyway, I’m up for the challenge now!

I’ve worked out this morning for 50 minutes to my favorite “I-only-do-it-when-I’m-feeling-strong” workout.  I’ve got big plans to cook up a pot of Unfried Refried Beans today to use on a low-fat Mexican pizza.  It’s something we all enjoy and is pretty healthy for as good as it tastes.  I love to use the beans on that as well as in burritos, quesadillas, etc.  They are totally healthy and a good way to get my kiddos to eat beans!  Of course Mondays always bring lots of laundry, cleaning, etc.  I actually love it because we get back to normal after the weekend of having my husband home.  I can accomplish so many things on Mondays!  Bring on the week-I’m ready for it!

Okay, so I’ve made progress in conquering the evils of emotional and/or boredom eating.  I can find other things to do when those urges strike.  Granted, the thought still creeps up into the back of my mind, but I can usually avoid most of it.  PMS, however, still gets the best of me.  I despise it.  I cannot seem to overcome the PMS over-eating urge no matter how hard I try.  Any suggestions?! 

On to better topics…  I have gotten back to full-strength workouts for the past few days and am feeling much stronger!  It’s amazing to me how much better I feel when I am able to exercise and push myself to finish those difficult workouts.  I’m proud of my progress.  There’s nothing better than waking up feeling a few muscles that were needing a little prodding along!  Today, I feel those muscles in my chest that struggled yesterday with lots (for me) of push-ups.  It’s a good feeling to know that I’m strengthening those muscles!  Yea, me! 

First, thanks to those who read and commented on my last blog.  I really needed some support.  My daughters are, much to my surprise, looking forward to going to see their school today.  That makes such a difference in the way I feel about it as I worry when they worry! 

Now, back to that fat girl stalking me!  I am 60 pounds lighter and I am thrilled about that.  I find myself (the fat girl self), however, picking apart my body parts that still require a little work.  I know that’s ridiculous and totally self-defeating.  On the plus side, I am aware of it and how absurd it is.  So to ward off that fat girl I am going to list some of the things that I love about my “new” body.  I like the defined muscles in my arms.  I like my collar bones, especially the fact that they’re visible now!  I like that I can feel my hip bones.  I like my muscular thighs.  I like my hips (yes, I said hips - they are SO much smaller than they used to be!).  I like that I have a waist.  I like to feel the muscles in my back.  I like my curvy shape.  I like my neck.  There.  That should keep my fat girl away for awhile.  She’s got to get over this whole negativity thing.  We’d both feel so much better if she’d focus on the positive!   I think there will always be a fat girl in me, but I will no longer be her.  Seriously. 

I’m teetering on the edge of emotional eating and have been for the past couple days.  I’d like to say that I’ve been strong, but I haven’t.  The reason?  It’s sort of a long story.  I come from a long line of worriers.  We struggled with infertility before being blessed with our girls, which has contributed to me being so totally wrapped up in being their mama.  The only thing I knew for sure for my entire life was that I wanted to be a mom.  I have been so lucky to have been given that opportunity, especially after having to face the facts that it might never happen.  Two of our daughters had some pretty significant health problems during their first few years.  They were on oxygen for the first year (along with apnea monitors at night) and had feeding tubes until last year.  Last year was the first time we had no medical issues and were able to do normal things whenever we wanted.  Tomorrow is their kindergarten round-up.  I’m not ready.  I just finally got kids who don’t need any doctor-duty from their mom, and I’m not ready to give that up.  I know, I know.  It’s time, and I’m trying to work past my fears.  I really am.  I just don’t know what will become of me when I’m no longer having to do things as the mom 24 hours a day.  This is the one thing I know I can do well.  This is the one thing at which I know I’m successful.  I’m scared.  I’m scared for me.  I’m scared for them.  So, of course, I’m leaning toward eating.  Before I eat, though, I’m headed to exercise.  Maybe those endorphins will kick in!  I just need a little reassurance and some compassion because my husband just does not get it.  I need someone to understand, and yet I also feel like I need to be strong.  I can’t let my daughters see me being scared about it, because I don’t want them to be scared.  Thanks for listening - I needed it…

I thought (hoped) my kiddos had outgrown Barney.  Apparently they haven’t!  They’ve been sick for 3 weeks (we’re finally improving) and have redeveloped their love of Barney, much to my displeasure!  On the plus side, I was encouraged to exercise this morning by choosing that over another Barney video!  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy exercising when I feel good, but I still haven’t fully regained my energy after being sick for 2 weeks.  I’m easing into it…  I do have a workout DVD that I absolutely love and would recommend.  It’s Kathy Smith’s Build Muscle, Shrink Fat DVD.  It is definitely a workout for me, but I love the feeling of accomplishment I have when I’m done.  I always feel muscles after doing this DVD that I don’t notice after doing other DVD’s.  I got back on the eating-right wagon this weekend again.  It was kind of a relief to get back to eating Bran Buds and having some V8 Fusion juice for breakfast.  At least I don’t have to think about what I’m going to eat!  I made vegetable soup with homemade noodles in it for supper last night as well, so that was healthy too.  I’m amazed at how much better I feel when I’m eating things with a high nutritional value.  After spending two weeks eating whatever sounded good I was more fatigued, and I’m sure it wasn’t all due to being sick.  I feel considerably more energetic when I’m eating right and that’s incentive enough to keep it up.  Bring on the week - I’m ready for it! 

I can dream, can’t I?  If it did, I’d be a size 2 after the past 3 weeks!  I am feeling much better but won’t be back to normal until my little angels are completely healthy again.  I’m such a worrier and have a hard time relaxing, so sick kids put me into a real spin.  I did 20 minutes of cardio this morning before deciding I was coughing too much.  It was nice to get up a sweat, but I wasn’t ready to listen to Denise Austin’s perky keep-going-just-30-more-seconds chatter.  I suppose I could’ve muted her, but I didn’t.  I’ll remember that next time!  I have to wonder if she’s that perky all the time.  I just imagine her in my shoes these past few weeks saying, “Come on, you can do it!  Just blow one more time!  Just one more!  Inhale…and exhale!  Great!!!”  Not me.  I lost the perkiness after the 3rd night of 2 hours of sleep.  We can’t all be perfect, I guess!  :)  My February 1st resolution:  No more Denise Austin until I’m totally healthy again.  Seriously, though, I’m going to get back into the groove of exercising and eating right.  I am going to kick these last 10 pounds no matter what (just not all in February!)!