densy

First, thanks to those who read and commented on my last blog.  I really needed some support.  My daughters are, much to my surprise, looking forward to going to see their school today.  That makes such a difference in the way I feel about it as I worry when they worry! 

Now, back to that fat girl stalking me!  I am 60 pounds lighter and I am thrilled about that.  I find myself (the fat girl self), however, picking apart my body parts that still require a little work.  I know that’s ridiculous and totally self-defeating.  On the plus side, I am aware of it and how absurd it is.  So to ward off that fat girl I am going to list some of the things that I love about my “new” body.  I like the defined muscles in my arms.  I like my collar bones, especially the fact that they’re visible now!  I like that I can feel my hip bones.  I like my muscular thighs.  I like my hips (yes, I said hips - they are SO much smaller than they used to be!).  I like that I have a waist.  I like to feel the muscles in my back.  I like my curvy shape.  I like my neck.  There.  That should keep my fat girl away for awhile.  She’s got to get over this whole negativity thing.  We’d both feel so much better if she’d focus on the positive!   I think there will always be a fat girl in me, but I will no longer be her.  Seriously. 

I’m teetering on the edge of emotional eating and have been for the past couple days.  I’d like to say that I’ve been strong, but I haven’t.  The reason?  It’s sort of a long story.  I come from a long line of worriers.  We struggled with infertility before being blessed with our girls, which has contributed to me being so totally wrapped up in being their mama.  The only thing I knew for sure for my entire life was that I wanted to be a mom.  I have been so lucky to have been given that opportunity, especially after having to face the facts that it might never happen.  Two of our daughters had some pretty significant health problems during their first few years.  They were on oxygen for the first year (along with apnea monitors at night) and had feeding tubes until last year.  Last year was the first time we had no medical issues and were able to do normal things whenever we wanted.  Tomorrow is their kindergarten round-up.  I’m not ready.  I just finally got kids who don’t need any doctor-duty from their mom, and I’m not ready to give that up.  I know, I know.  It’s time, and I’m trying to work past my fears.  I really am.  I just don’t know what will become of me when I’m no longer having to do things as the mom 24 hours a day.  This is the one thing I know I can do well.  This is the one thing at which I know I’m successful.  I’m scared.  I’m scared for me.  I’m scared for them.  So, of course, I’m leaning toward eating.  Before I eat, though, I’m headed to exercise.  Maybe those endorphins will kick in!  I just need a little reassurance and some compassion because my husband just does not get it.  I need someone to understand, and yet I also feel like I need to be strong.  I can’t let my daughters see me being scared about it, because I don’t want them to be scared.  Thanks for listening - I needed it…

I thought (hoped) my kiddos had outgrown Barney.  Apparently they haven’t!  They’ve been sick for 3 weeks (we’re finally improving) and have redeveloped their love of Barney, much to my displeasure!  On the plus side, I was encouraged to exercise this morning by choosing that over another Barney video!  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy exercising when I feel good, but I still haven’t fully regained my energy after being sick for 2 weeks.  I’m easing into it…  I do have a workout DVD that I absolutely love and would recommend.  It’s Kathy Smith’s Build Muscle, Shrink Fat DVD.  It is definitely a workout for me, but I love the feeling of accomplishment I have when I’m done.  I always feel muscles after doing this DVD that I don’t notice after doing other DVD’s.  I got back on the eating-right wagon this weekend again.  It was kind of a relief to get back to eating Bran Buds and having some V8 Fusion juice for breakfast.  At least I don’t have to think about what I’m going to eat!  I made vegetable soup with homemade noodles in it for supper last night as well, so that was healthy too.  I’m amazed at how much better I feel when I’m eating things with a high nutritional value.  After spending two weeks eating whatever sounded good I was more fatigued, and I’m sure it wasn’t all due to being sick.  I feel considerably more energetic when I’m eating right and that’s incentive enough to keep it up.  Bring on the week - I’m ready for it! 

I can dream, can’t I?  If it did, I’d be a size 2 after the past 3 weeks!  I am feeling much better but won’t be back to normal until my little angels are completely healthy again.  I’m such a worrier and have a hard time relaxing, so sick kids put me into a real spin.  I did 20 minutes of cardio this morning before deciding I was coughing too much.  It was nice to get up a sweat, but I wasn’t ready to listen to Denise Austin’s perky keep-going-just-30-more-seconds chatter.  I suppose I could’ve muted her, but I didn’t.  I’ll remember that next time!  I have to wonder if she’s that perky all the time.  I just imagine her in my shoes these past few weeks saying, “Come on, you can do it!  Just blow one more time!  Just one more!  Inhale…and exhale!  Great!!!”  Not me.  I lost the perkiness after the 3rd night of 2 hours of sleep.  We can’t all be perfect, I guess!  :)  My February 1st resolution:  No more Denise Austin until I’m totally healthy again.  Seriously, though, I’m going to get back into the groove of exercising and eating right.  I am going to kick these last 10 pounds no matter what (just not all in February!)! 

Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people just don’t kill their husbands!”  It’s one of my favorite movie quotes and, quite frankly, one of the few I can remember.  It never really stuck with me until I realized just how true it is!  I have been taking care of sick kids (and my sick self) for the past 2 1/2 weeks.  I have not exercised, I have eaten only what sounds good (primarily salty things as the sweet stuff makes us all cough), and was feeling VERY down on myself because of everything.  This morning I took the time to do 30 minutes of Pilates which, granted, is not terribly strenuous but was the only thing that I knew I could do successfully today.  I am amazed at how much better I feel both physically and emotionally.  While the physical part may be due to the medications I’m on right now, I think the emotional well-being is totally due to the exercise.  I was ready to curl up in a ball & cry earlier this morning, and had it not been for the consequences (runny nose, more coughing) I probably would’ve done just that.  I am now ready to tackle this cold.  I am ready to continue on the right track.  I am ready to do whatever it takes to feel better, even if that means putting off cleaning the house for yet another day and spending another day playing puzzles with my kids and reading books and magazines for myself.  I think it’s hard for me as the mom to understand that I have to consciously take care of myself as well.  I make a point to do things specifically to help my kids feel better, but I put myself on the back burner.  Not today!  I am going to pamper myself as best I can while taking care of the others.  My health and well-being is a priority too.  Woo hoo!  Bring on the day! 

I really hope that this week is better than the last two have been!  I want my kiddos to feel better.  I want to feel better.  I want to be able to get back to exercising before I completely lose the memory of how good it feels to finish a difficult workout.  I want to stop retaining every drop of water that I’m drinking (who knew I’d gain 6 pounds of water weight just due to a cold?!) soon!  This is the beginning of a new week, and I intend for it to be better! 

I hate being sick.  More than that, I hate having sick kids.  Unlucky for me, we’re all sick right now.  It’s just a cold/flu thing, but I need comfort food - the healthy kind, but sinfully good.   Any suggestions?  I’ve been drinking oodles and oodles of water and peppermint tea, but I’m getting hungry and nothing sounds good.  Oh, if only I had someone around to cook for me!  Sometimes being the mom has its disadvantages!  :)  I want so badly to be able to exercise but know that’s not happening until I’m better.  On the plus side, the loss of appetite has resulted in the breakthrough of my plateau!  Woo hoo!  I’m not sure it was worth it, though.  I’d rather have just eaten less and exercised more… 

Okay, so I’ll write the good news first.  One year ago yesterday I weighed in at 212.5, my first weigh-in of my journey.  I had been improving my eating/exercising habits for a couple weeks prior to that, but that was my first weigh-in.  This morning I weighed in at 152 which thrills me beyond words.  I want so badly to be proud and celebrate somehow, but life just isn’t allowing it right now.  I have had sick kids for the past week with no end in sight yet.  And now, to make matters worse, I’m feeling crummy too.   Couldn’t life just be easy for a little while?  Would that be too much to ask?  I’m sorry to be such a downer.  I just need a shoulder to cry on today… 

Thank goodness for Mondays!  I’m finally back to the routine after the weekend.  We took an overnight trip this weekend which resulted in me eating an amazing piece of cheesecake over the course of two days.  I don’t regret it, as I ate sensibly the rest of the weekend and walked quite a bit while shopping.  I think my body is holding me responsible for eating it, though, as I seem to have pulled a muscle in my butt - yes, my butt - while exercising this morning.  So the cheesecake has literally kicked my butt.  Thanks to some leftover pain meds from a shoulder sprain, I am surviving.  I don’t think there will be any squats or lunges around here for a couple days, though.  Oh well…it was great cheesecake, but I’m not sure it was worth the pain.  Then again, maybe it was! 

This is probably going to come out sounding sort of whiny, but I’m prepared for that.  Here’s the thing:  when am I going to matter?  I have devoted the last several years to my husband and my kids, and for that I’m not at all sorry.  But while I’m thinking about them and considering their feelings (this primarily applies to my husband), who’s thinking about me?   My kiddos are so loving and caring, so I’m doing something right!  Strangely (or maybe as usual), when faced with a decision that will affect the whole family I immediately consider how it will affect my husband.  And, as usual again, he immediately considers how it will affect him as well.  I really don’t enter into his thought process unless I press the issue.  I realize that I’ve created this monster myself as I have allowed him (and others, to some degree) to overlook me and my feelings.  I have allowed others to treat me with less care and respect than I deserve because I didn’t feel worthy as “the fat girl.”  It’s just another part of dealing with the emotional baggage of being overweight for such a long time.  Now, all of a sudden, I have a little more confidence and want someone to be caring and compassionate to me, and he rather enjoys the status quo.  It’s so much easier, after all, to just overlook me and let me deal with my feelings alone.  I’ve always (well, not always, just when I knew I was better off) kept my feelings to myself as I knew I wouldn’t have a soft place to fall.  Sometimes it’s just easier to get over things myself than to get the silent treatment for having feelings or opinions different than his.  He takes care of us, don’t get me wrong.  I’m just finding that I love myself enough to require more emotional support.  I’m not the fat girl anymore.  I deserve to have someone care about me.  I deserve more.